Apologies in advance. This isn’t a bright, shiny, happy story but it’s a real one. With a powerful point if you choose to take it.
Many years ago I experienced a death in my family. It was my younger brother. He was only 23 years old. As I didn’t ever expect this to happen or remember it ever crossing my mind before it did …. my story here is not to address HIS death but what happened shortly after his funeral.
You see, after everyone leaves the cemetery – we’re all forced to go on about our lives. Well, it’s just not that simple but nonetheless it’s what we have to do.
Suck it up, right? Move on.
Well, I was torn up inside and as you can imagine (especially if you’ve lost someone you deeply cared about) and so I had a movie playing inside my head that was set on rewind over and over and over.
It was relentless. Raw. Gut-wrenching.
That vision of my brother lying in a casket way before his time. It just kept rolling. An exceptionally good looking 6′ otherwise healthy guy (and I don’t think I’m being partial) lying in a casket. Sure, alive, he was funny, intense and most times super playful. Good at most sports. Full of life and vitality. He was pretty much the life of the party in our house growing up…maybe because he was the baby of the family. Maybe because he was athletic. Either way, felt like all eyes were on him.
But that’s not what was playing in my head after he died. The scene that kept rolling was of him lying there in that casket.
Lifeless. Expressionless. Cold. Dead. Gone forever.
Reminding me it was over. Reminding me that I’d never see him again. Reminding me of the pain he must of have felt right before he died.
I visualized myself walking in that room the day at the funeral home…. in slow motion. I can still remember how it felt- like walking through mud trudging down that hallway looking for that ‘room.’ The one with him in it… supposedly dead. I didn’t believe it yet. I had to see it for myself.
I didn’t want to of course so my body was resisting. The ‘mud’ became more like cement as I grew closer to those doors. My breathing was forced, slowly turning into a suffocating feeling and then like breathing through a linen. It still remains by far the blackest, most dismal, most wretched feeling I’ve ever known…and I hope it stays that way.
And then there he was….seeing him for the first time. It was surreal and unapologetic. Like a bad dream you keep pinching yourself in but it doesn’t snap you awake.
I have strong memories of bringing him home as a baby 23 years prior- I was only 4 years old but could remember feeding him with a bottle and begging my Mom to hold him “just one more time.” Yea, I’ve always been a sucker for holding babies. And those blonde curls he used to have were adorable. Yea, he was ornery sometimes. Just like a boy should be.
So listen I have a point here- This movie was full of feeling.…of agony and torment. The horrible kind you can only know after losing a loved one. Especially to suicide. It was riddled with guilt, and shame. Like feelings of regret you didn’t do something….wondering if you could have prevented it from ever happening and changed the entire course of events if you’d just done something or said something or ANYTHING!
I can remember at times feeling like a zombie those days and weeks after with my undivided focus and attention on that same horror film….which usually spiraled into sobbing tears. Many times I’d be in a store ready to check-out and suddenly they’d start pouring down my face as I’d abandoned my purchases and bolt for the exit sign too embarrassed to stay.
Ok, so fast forward about three weeks after the funeral now- I’m driving on the interstate between Illinois and Iowa. I was in sales back then for an insurance company and traveled a lot. It was relatively early in the morning and the sun was up and shining bright on a crisp Spring morning. I was near Peoria. I had about another 4 hours drive time when I noticed a jeep up ahead pulled off to the side of the road. I slowed down as I came towards it. It was one of those jeeps without a top so I could see it was empty. No passengers. Didn’t think too much of it frankly. But then, I saw a figure on the adjacent side. A man leaning over as if he was picking something up off the road.
“Oh, that makes sense.” – I remember thinking…. his hat had blown off while he was driving. He was just retrieving it. As I came closer to him I remember slowing way down as anyone would…then to the point of bringing my speed down to about 30 miles an hour.
That’s when it happened.
After picking up his hat without even a hesitation or a casual glance, he walks directly back across the road to his parked jeep right in front of my moving vehicle.
I was shocked. Baffled!
I slammed on the brakes screeching my tires as I came uncomfortably close but successfully avoiding him as I came to a halt, my car sitting a bit diagonal now from the careening and abruptness of the stop. He still didn’t look up! As if he didn’t hear the sound of my screeching tires. Again, I almost couldn’t believe it. I was in disbelief.
Then this happened. A car behind me slammed on their brakes too but didn’t choose to stop…. just enough to avoid me. They hadn’t seen the man. So, instead, swerved around my car and continued passing me on the right. Yes, if you haven’t already guessed it…the unthinkable happened.
They hit the man crossing the interstate and he flew up like a rag doll and hit my car before rolling and landing on the interstate in front of it.
Oh. My. God.
Yea, I screamed. Loud. I think I left my body. If that’s possible, I did it.
Somehow managing to call 911 AND recall precisely where I was (just past the Chillicothe exit) I frantically begged and instructed the operator to send an ambulance as I crawled on the concrete toward his bloody and mangled body. (getting hit by a car full-on can break your legs and twist them into something pretty awful).
His eyes were open. I could see his chest moving. There was blood everywhere. All over his face. I immediately started talking and assuring him help was on the way. Probably in a desperate, raspy voice and between sucking wind like I had just ran a marathon. I was hyperventilating- the operator kept telling me to breathe or I’d pass out. (note to self: NEVER become a nurse!)
I just kept repeating myself- “everything’s going to be alright, hang on and I’m right here and help is on the way.” I must have said that 25 times. No words could describe how bad I felt for this guy. I placed my hand on his arm but couldn’t feel a pulse – thought it was because my hand was shaking to the point of being utterly useless. Not even sure how I dialed 911 to be honest.
“He’s dead Ma’am”- is the next thing I remember. Officers on the scene. Cars pulled over on both sides of the interstate to see what the fuss was all about.
He was killed immediately on impact and his chest appeared to be moving only because air leaves the lungs even after death and can appear as if a body is breathing.
Here’s my point of telling this story- I know without a doubt I attracted that situation into my life. I did it with that vision. That damn morbid movie. I added feeling to the movie because I was helpless to avoid it. I was grieving. I was feeling the pain over and over. Torturing myself with it- and unknowingly attracting more death.
Feeling + Thoughts + Vision = Outcome. I don’t just think this- I KNOW it.
I don’t just suspect it…I lived it. It was real.
It’s a conviction now. Not a hunch.
These two situations (deaths) happening within three weeks of each other took me several years to get over and can still bring a shiver down my spine but hear me on this….I no longer let my thoughts lead to feelings of doom and gloom for longer than a minute or two. I know the consequences. We can’t control all the thoughts in our minds every second but we can become more aware of them and create habits of new thoughts. New feelings. New visions. If you have a recurring thought that is of something you don’t want…. Stop it! Replace it. Now.
Oh- And if you’re wondering about that poor man and whether or not he heard my cars screeching tires….well, I wonder that too. I was told later his blood alcohol level was high. He was a seasoned alcoholic and was on pain meds as well – taken for injuries from an accident that happened years prior (his daughter told me that later that night after getting my number from the police.) She wanted comforting and to hear the voice of the last person who saw her Father.
I hope I helped. It was a horrible conversation as you can imagine. I didn’t share the gorry details with her. Made it sound like a he never saw it coming and it took a split second. Which in fact, I suppose it did.
So- maybe he didn’t hear my cars tires. Maybe he did. Maybe it was intentional. Maybe it was another suicide. Maybe he could’t take the pain from the injuries he’d sustained before and wanted to make his suicide look like an accident. I’ll never know for sure. I don’t need to.
Here’s what I do know for sure though and what I’d like you to take away from this story….. you attract the situations, circumstances and events with your mind, feelings and actions.
Learn to control your thoughts….only let in what you want and use visualization to get what you want. It works like a charm!
People sure give the Law of Attraction a lot of grief ….but for me, it’s real.
Create actions with your thoughts and watch what happens. 😉 In business use your ‘mind movie’ to be an advancing entrepreneur. Use a scenario to engage action and see it as exactly the way you want it to happen.
Good luck! Stay positive and create the movie of your dreams…not your nightmares.
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